What I want to Accomplish in life!!

  
What do I want to accomplish in my life? There are many things I want to achieve and have in my life. The first thing that comes to mind for me is a career in a field of criminal justice right now I am going to school and in the next year will hopefully have my certificate to be a Victim Service Aide. For many years I thought I wanted to be a teacher or therapist and this past semester I took a criminal justice class and really enjoyed it and think that a career in that field is where I am meant to be. Another goal I want to achieve is to have a relationship with a man and it be a healthy one and maybe one day down the road I will get married and have children. One of my biggest goals for right now at this moment not thinking in the future I want to be able to move on past the things that have happened to me and not have them be what defines me like I have been letting them. I want to work on either getting rid of or at least managing the PTSD I don’t want to have nightmare and flashbacks forever. I don’t want the things I have been through to be a part of my everyday life like I have been letting them be. Other than that I just want to be able to help people and live a normal, healthy life myself and be in a better place emotionally, mentally and what not. My goals in life that I want to achieve aren’t major ones but they are ones I feel I can work towards and get to one day!! My journey toward healing continues one step at a time!! 

  

Reality Check

The past couple weeks have been crazy and had quite a bit of ups and downs. Been moody and arguing with people over stupid shit. I am upset with myself because I cut twice in the last week and I shouldn’t have I told myself that I wouldn’t go back to doing that and I did but I again had everything with me when I went to therapy today and threw it away. Today therapy session was difficult but everything she said was true I did start a couple of the arguments in order to give myself a reason to hurt myself. It really doesn’t do anything to help me or the situation when I cut. Also I very much agree that my mother is a major trigger for me and I need to learn to ignore it and not let it trigger me and cause me to hurt myself. I also agree that I don’t want to be in therapy forever I want to get better and have a normal life. She told me before I left to make a list of things I want to accomplish in therapy before I am 30. So here it goes I want to work on and get past the PTSD and not have those things run my life anymore and keep me stuck more than they already have, I want to learn how to handle my triggers and deal with them in a healthy way, I want to be able to not have to be on medicine forever, I want to be able to accept things and forgive and lastly I want to be able to live a normal life and say I survived what life has handed me and am a better and different person because of it. I have let the things that have happened to me run my life for so long and I want to be able to put them behind me though I know I’ll never forget but to not have them be apart of every aspect of my life. Also to really learn who belongs in my life and who as my therapist put is toxic. Today’s therapy session was hard but it was a real eye opener and I need to start doing the hard work to get better. Instead of a news years resolution this year I am going to do what I’ve seen a lot of people do and choose a word for this year. My word is GROWTH!!!   

Changes

  After years of failing at school and just not caring about making something of myself because I just felt like I would always be a failure. I have now learned I wasn’t in a good place or a stable place mentally that I could handle going to school let alone deal with the things in my life that happened to me. With the years of therapy and continued therapy I am back at school and doing much better and am trying to make something of myself. I have finally decided my major which is criminology and am trying to become a Certified Victim Service Aide. I chose this field because of the things I have been thru in my life I feel I can help others get through these type of things. I have always known I wanted to help people and I think this path is the right one for me. I want to help others get justice for things that they’ve had happen to them because although I know the guy who sexually abused me as a child is in jail and they guys who gang raped me are in jail I didn’t play a role in putting them there. And I am mad at myself for that I wish I would have spoken up and not let them get away with it and do it to other that blame will always be with me. I think that has been the hardest thing to come to terms with is knowing I didn’t tell and it happened to others and that others are feeling the same pain. My journey continues and this is just another step. 

Overdue Update

I haven’t written on here since summer but life has been crazy and busy. Feel like I started working a full time job but the pay sucks. Have continued my weekly therapy sessions which have honestly been a saving grace. I don’t talk to a lot of people about my personal issues so to have that help weekly keeps me sane. Some things have changed I used to talk to my aunt about everything but since her and my uncle broke up things have changed a lot and that has been a difficult adjustment but I am learning to accept it because I had known and felt this would happen so. As for family things still suck I have accepted I am never going to be perfect enough for them or accepted for who I am by them but I do get angry a lot because we fight a lot mostly me and mom over stupid things sometimes. As for my eating that has continued but the bingeing as purging did decrease and this past week in a half I have done it at all which is a big step because it’s been a long time where I have gone that log without giving in to that urge. As for my cutting haven’t done that in over a year have been tempted to at times but told myself I shouldn’t. Starting to work on y PTSD in therapy which I glad and hoping these nightmares and flashbacks will eventually go away for good. Anxiety has been elevated a bit lately and been feeling depressed. I know I have these ups and downs but certain people in my life get annoyed or call me bitchy or heartless when I am in a bad mood or just want to keep to myself. I do bottle things up a lot and don’t let myself deal with it or cry over it. I see that I have made progress in therapy there are just times I feel like I am taking steps backwards. Things are constantly changing and somethings are more difficult to accept than others. My journey to healing continues one day at a time.   

Breaking Point

I usually don’t like writing about family but I have reached my breaking point with certain people and I need to vent. I try to not let this stuff bug me or get to me but a person can only take so much judgement and being put down. I already have times where I feel like a failure and stuff so I dont need added stress. Ever since my family found out I was raped at 16 is the only one they know about and diagnosed as bipolar I have been treated differently. I get treated as crazy and stupid and fragile and that isn’t true at all I just see and handle things different than other people. And yes my emotions are constantly changing and sometimes I can’t control that but it doesn’t mean I should be treated as the black sheep or an outcast. I am far from perfect and I have accepted that I will never be and if that doesn’t please certain people than oh well. Life isn’t always going to be peachy and shit is going to happen that changes people and certain people in my life need to learn to accept that and me as I am. One person in particular is constantly judging me and telling me to lose weight and get a job and things like that and she just doesn’t understand I get anxiety being around people and as for my weight the things said are what continue to fuel my eating disorder. I have learned through therapy and just knowing that I am not going to please people and I am not going to be what they want I shouldn’t have to act or be a certain way. I should be allowed to be myself and be accepted as that. I am who I am and o have issues that isn’t going to change and I am not going to change for anyone. BE YOURSELF is my advice to everyone do t change because someone wants you to. Life your life for yourself not everyone because those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter. We all struggle and we all have our good and bad days and it just part of life. Continue this journey to finding myself and healing my wounds. 

Long overdue update

I haven’t written one here in awhile other than to share music. Things have been busy but at least it’s summer. I have been doing okay I have my good and bad days and am finally sleeping. I think my psychiatrist has found the right combo of medications. Although I have been feeling depressed lately and really tired. I have no energy to do anything and just want to lay around. Other than my migraines have been the worst ever I have had one everyday for the past week and am almost out of my meds for it. I am suppose to see a neurologist as soon as I can get an appointment for now it’s just ibuprofen and and ice pack. As for my eating disorder I am doing better with that I don’t binge and purge as often as I have lately it’s only been when I am really upset and stressed. Therapy has been really helping as I dont have many people to talk to so having her to vent to every week is helpful. Some relationships in my life have changed as I knew they would and that has been a hard adjustment because even though I knew it would happen I kinda hoped it wouldn’t. Like I said I have my good and bad days and I am still having nightmares and flashbacks but not as often as they were before. I feel like progress is happen just slow and small steps. Continue to follow me on my journey to healing my wounds. 

“Broken Girl” by Matthew West

This song was a trigger for me but also got me to cry which I don’t do often. I just recently found this singer and quite a few of his songs have hit close to home with me. I related this song to when I was sexually abused as a child and it explains everything you feel and go through. And how with help you can put yourself back together again and you can find your voice again.I have really been looking to music to help me lately. 

Broken Girl”

Look what he’s done to you

It isn’t fair

Your light was bright and new

But he didn’t care

He took the heart of a little girl

And made it grow up too fast
Now words like “innocence”

Don’t mean a thing

You hear the music play

But you can’t sing

Those pictures in your mind

Keep you locked up inside your past
This is a song for the broken girl

The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world

You are

Hear me when I say

You’re not the worthless they made you feel

There is a Love they can never steal away

And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Those damaged goods you see

In your reflection

Love sees them differently

Love sees perfection

A beautiful display

Of healing on the way tonight

Tonight
This is a song for the broken girl

The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world

You are

Hear me when I say

You’re not the worthless they made you feel

There is a Love they can never steal away

And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Let your tears touch to the ground

Lay your shattered pieces down

And be amazed by how Grace can take a broken girl

And put her back together again
This is a song for the broken girl

The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world

You are

Hear me when I say

You’re not the worthless they made you feel

There is a Love they can never steal away

And you don’t have to stay the broken girl

You don’t have to stay the broken girl

“Silent All These Years” and “Me and Gun” by Tori Amos

* This is another Tori Amos song that I can really relate to because I know how it feels to stay silent for a long time and how it feels when you do finally hear your voice and stop hiding from the past. Also the part in the song where she says I been waiting for someone to understand that really hit me because it took me awhile to find the right therapist and I found the one who has helped me find my voice and has helped me not to be silent anymore to speak out about how I’ve been wronged. Staying silent only hurt me it didn’t help me it made me beat myself up and punish myself. Don’t do that say something!!!

“Silent All These Years by Tori Amos”

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won’t bite if you sit real still

I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin’ at me again

Yeah I can hear that

Been saved again by the garbage truck

I got something to say you know

But nothing comes

Yes I know what you think of me

You never shut-up

Yeah I can hear that

But what if I’m a mermaid 
In these jeans of his 

With her name still on it

Hey but I don’t care

Cause sometimes

I said sometimes

I hear my voice

And it’s been here

Silent All These Years

So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts

What’s so amazing about really deep thoughts

Boy you best praya that I bleed real soon

How’s that thought for you

My scream got lost in a paper cup

You think there’s a heaven

Where some screams have gone

I got 25 bucks and a cracker

Do you think it’s enough

To get us there

Cause what if I’m a mermaid 
In these jeans of his 

With her name still on it

Hey but I don’t care

Cause sometimes

I said sometimes

I hear my voice

And it’s been here

Silent All These…

Years go by 
Will I still be waiting

For somebody else to understand

Years go by

If I’m stripped of my beauty

And the orange clouds

Raining in head

Years go by 

Will I choke on my tears

Till finally there is nothing left

One more casualty

You know we’re too easy Easy Easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape

Let’s hear what you think of me now

But baby don’t look up

The sky is falling

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress

It’s your turn now to stand where I stand

Everybody lookin’ at you here

Take hold of my hand

Yeah I can hear them

But what if I’m a mermaid 
In these jeans of his 

With her name still on it

Hey but I don’t care

Cause sometimes

I said sometimes

I hear my voice [x3]

And it’s been here
Silent All These Years

I’ve been here

Silent All These Years

* The first time I heard this song I cried because it felt like wow there are others who get how this feels and you do what you need to to live through it when it’s happening and how you learn to survive the aftermath. 

“Me And A Gun by Tori Amos”
5am

Friday morning

Thursday night

Far from sleep

I’m still up and driving

Can’t go home

obviously

So I’ll just change direction

Cause they’ll soon konw where I live

And I wanna live

Got a full tank and some chips
It was me and a gun

And a man on my back

And I sang “holy holy” as he buttoned down his pants

You can laugh

It’s kind of funny things you think

at times like these

Like I haven’t seen Barbados

So I must get out of this

Yes I wore a slinky red thing
Does that mean I should spread

For you, your friends your father, Mr. Ed

Me and a gun
and a man 

On my back

But I haven’t seen Barbados

So I must get out of this

Yes I wore a slinky red thing

Does that mean I should spread

For you, your friends your father, Mr. Ed

And I know what this means

Me and Jesus a few years back

Used to hang and he said

“It’s your choice babe just remember

I don’t think you’ll be back in 3 days time

So you choose well”

Tell me what’s right

Is it my right to be on my stomach

of Fred’s Seville

Me and a gun
and a man 

On my back

But I haven’t seen Barbados

So I must get out of this

And do you know Carolina
Where the biscuits are soft and sweet 

These things go through you head

When there’s a man on your back

And you’re pushed flat on your stomach

It’s not a classic cadillac

Me and a gun
and a man 

On my back

But I haven’t seen Barbados

So I must get out of this

“Crucify” and “Little Earthquakes” by Tori Amos

** I was first introduced to Tori Amos when my aunt sent me her Little Earthquakes CD after she found out about my rape at 16 and I immediately listened to the cd and loved it because I didn’t feel so alone anymore like so many of the songs I could relate to and felt like wow it’s normal to feel this way and this is when I began writing my poetry. Her songs speak to so many of the emotions I feel and the things we do to cope. This song is one of my favorites it call “Crucify”. It explains how we get so down on ourselves and let others critizes us and how we let that bring us down and we shouldn’t be a victim to that. It’s something we have to learn how not to do is constantly crucify ourselves or let others and love who we are and for others to accept us as we are. 
“Crucify by Tori Amos”
Every finger in the room
is pointing at me

I wanna spit in their faces

Then I get afraid of what that could bring

I got a bowling ball in my stomach

I got a desert in my mouth

Figures that my courage would choose to sell our now

I’ve been looking for a savior in these dirty streets

looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets

I’ve been raising up my hands

Drive another nail in

Just what God needs

One more victim

[Chorus:]
Why do we

Crucify ourselves

Every day

I crucify myself

Nothing I do is good enough for you

Crucify myself

Every day

And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog
Beggin’ for Love

I gotta have my suffering

So that I can have my cross

I know a cat named Easter

He says will you ever learn

You’re just an empty cage girl

If you kill the bird

I’ve been looking for a savior in these dirty streets

looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets

I’ve been raising up my hands

Drive another nail in

Got enough guilt to start

my own religion

Please be

Save me

I cry

[Chorus:]
Why do we

Crucify ourselves

Every day

I crucify myself

Nothing I do is good enough for you

Crucify myself

Every day

And my heart is sick of being in chains

* Another Tori Amos song that I absolutely love. I like this song because it talks about how little things can rip us into pieces and it doesn’t take much to trigger things. To me it says that life is always going to have little earthquakes and we have to handle them the best we can and that sometimes there are going to be things that cause us to break down and it normal. And that with time and healing we can find ourselves again. 

Little Earthquakes Lyrics
Yellow bird flying gets shot in the wing

Good year for hunters and Christmas parties

And I hate and I hate and I hate

And I hate elevator music

The way we fight

The way I’m left here silent

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again

These little earthquakes

Doesn’t take much to rip us into pieces

We danced in graveyards with vampires till dawn
We laughed in the faces of king never afraid to burn

And I hate and I hate and I hate

And I hate disintegration

Watching us wither

Black winged roses that safely changed their color

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again

These little earthquakes

Doesn’t take much to rip us into pieces

I can’t reach you
I can’t reach you

Give me life
Give me pain

Give me myself again

Oh these little earthquakes

Here we go again

These little earthquakes

Doesn’t take much to rip us into pieces

Doesn’t take much to rip us into pieces

Doesn’t take much to rip us into pieces

Major Trigger

I never thought having a Pap smear would affect me like it did today I always figured I could just dissociate and pretend I wasn’t there during the exam but boy was I wrong. The moment they brought in all the stuff for the exam I started having a panic attack and took a Xanax but that didn’t kick in until after this was all over. Once the exam was about to begin and she got things ready I started having flashbacks and remembering things he would say or do. When she put the device in I immediately started crying and told her to stop I couldn’t do it. She stopped and told me I could make the appointment another time but I wanted to get it done so I told her to just finish it and I cried the whole time. I had so many flashbacks of my childhood abuser putting objects in me or checking me to make sure I was developing as a girl should be or how he would use what he called “lotion” to make it go in easier when he raped me. I felt so vulnerable and like the exam was taking forever to end. I never thought it would be so traumatic to get it done. It’s over now but it doesn’t mean the flashbacks or nightmares are going to stop soon. It has brought up a lot of pain and anxiety and depression. For anyone who knows how this feels I empathize I have avoided this for years and having to have it done today in the midst of trying to deal with the sexual abuse from my childhood has brought up a lot of different things and emotions and I don’t know how to handle it. Mind you I have had this exam before but didn’t remember or wasn’t dealing with any of my abuse or rapes so I guess I dissociated before and didn’t let them affect me. But being present today was worse. I felt a lot of anxiety and have cried a lot. This is my journey to healing my wounds one day at a time.